What a whopper of a week it has been for our Prime Minister May. Grinding her teeth in the night for quite a few months now. The Art of War by Sun Tzu and The Prince by Machiavelli lay beneath the Iron Lady’s tome of a biography on her bedside table. The main thought whizzing round her mind: “how do I get the best deal for our fair isle.”
Just down the road from her in Central London a gay man closes the door of his flat having just received the benefits of a really great deal. A stress-busting intimate tantric massage leaving him feeling restored and rejuvenated after another long week at the office.
Spare a thought for the poor overloaded leader of our fractured nation. The stiffness of the shoulders during her hearty guffaw in the commons during the spring budget revealed how little she has been given the physical joys so many of us see as fundamental to our happiness.
The Scottish National Party are bringing forward the vision of the Braveheart Renaissance a sizeable chunk of their compatriots so craves. Who knows maybe if Braveheart and his band of brothers had received tantric massages before battle we might be speaking Gaelic in London today. There have been salacious tales of things between soldiers being a bit more than fraternal passed down through the ages. One can only wonder what oils they used. Lots of lavender for the lads one can only presume.
Alas, what can be offered to soften the blow of a hard Brexit? What can Nicola Sturgeon (such a strong name for a truly formidable politician) do to strike a deal to keep Scotland in the European Union if a referendum indeed does go ahead? Alex Salmond does have a lot more time on his hands these days. Maybe a few late-night flights from Edinburgh to Brussels are in order. Alex Salmond and Jean-Claude Junker shacked up in a hotel room; a bowl of almond oil with a few drops of lemon and tea tree to keep them peppy. Their conversation verges on the utopian. In the morning, they rise with plans for The New Europe. Salmond flies back to London to deliver the news to Theresa May that once again it is tantric gay massage that has saved the day.
As ridiculous as this may sound, history has many an example of seduction and politics being very cute bedfellows. Lady Emma Hamilton, the love of Lord Horatio Nelson’s life for example. She saved his behind many a time in his travails in the Mediterranean. In these desperate times of turmoil and strife it might just be oils and a healing hand that we need to get the best deal possible.