Michael and his story

Thank you for the opportunity to write for your blog, I am privileged to be asked, and am very happy to share my story. I am 39 years old, for most of my life I struggled with my sexuality, I grew up in a country where being homosexual was frowned upon, so there was a lot of shame placed on me from society. The friends I had, used to mock me despite my best efforts to be as masculine as possible at all times. Being caring, warm and hanging out with a group of girls was seen as not being masculine, and as such I made every attempt to pretend to be a football fan, when the match was on, drink as many pints as possible, curse, argue, and wolf whistle when a girl in a skirt walked past the group.
I spent much of my holidays away with the boys, sleeping with as many women as possible, and whilst I did enjoy sleeping with women, there was something missing, I just felt no emotional connection to them, but since I was able to have sex well and make her and I come, this made me feel, well am I really gay? When masturbating at home, I used to imagine having sex with men, and just as I was about to come I would think of a woman. This had a devastating impact on my emotional growth and as a result, I became quite stunted in this area. I used to pray to God over and over, asking for me to meet a girlfriend, but that girlfriend never arrived, it was just more meaningless sex, trying to prove I was not gay.

Eventually I moved to London, due to a career opportunity, before eventually coming out as ‘Bisexual’, I was surprised when those around me were happy for me, and even when the people back home got wind of it, they seemed to be ok, it made me think why I had waited so long before coming out, when actually most of the problem I had with my sexuality, was the story I had been telling myself over and over of mass rejection and abandonment never transpired, in fact, I received many a pat on the back telling me how brave I was.

I began clubbing in Vauxhall (London gay village) and quickly got sucked into the gay scene, the whole drugs, sexy boys and music, I felt I was reborn, I received attention, which I craved all my life, I quickly began working out at the gym daily, taking steroids and created a body fit for the Gods, everything else in my life seemed so unimportant, I lived for the weekends, T-shirt off, loud music, partying for the whole weekend without sleep, and of course the many sex sessions that followed, in what is commonly know here in London as “Chill outs” where a group of 5 or more men, meet at someone’s apartment, music, drugs, Grindr and sex, a revolving door is in operation, each participant is requested to undress and put on a pair of shorts.

Slowly but surely, these occasional weekends turned into every weekend, and before I knew it, I began calling into work sick, until eventually I lost my job, and eventually lost my home I rented. After some time, the urge to go clubbing went and soon it became all about the drugs and the boys, opt for staying at home to continue these binges. What seemed fairly innocent at the start has started to get out of hand, I was becoming addicted, and I did not even see it coming, I lived with constant anxiety, and everything around me was tumbling to the ground, I stopped meeting with my “normal” friends and was hanging out with the lowest of the low. I believe sometimes God works in mysterious ways, and the lessons keep on getting harder until we learn. I broke my leg badly and some other bones during a binge and as a result, ended up in the hospital for nearly a month, It was then that I finally decided I needed help. I began to clean my life up and started taking responsibility, it was very difficult, I really missed the attention I received, I missed the care-free sex, but most of all I missed being able to extinguish my feelings with a snort.

The most difficult aspect that followed, was sober sex, I was a teenager in this department, I felt so shy, and scared, literally that I would cry myself to sleep, I felt like I was being asked to climb Everest, to be intimate with a man, I guess all the feelings of shame and guilt I had managed to block out by using drugs, had come back again, and I had to learn how to do it without self-harming in the process.

It was then that someone recommended tantric massage to me. My friend had been to see a male tantric massage therapist at Tantric soul, and he really believed that they would be able to help me. My ego, of course, wanted the full-on sexual experience offered by escorts, and I was not keen on the idea of some form of sacred massage to help me with my difficulties in being intimate with other men. But because this man was a dear friend of mine, I decided to give it a go reluctantly. I booked my first massage with Tantric Soul, I received the address by text message, I decided to book 1-hour tantric massage. I arrived at the gentleman’s place in Central London and was greeted by a drop-dead gorgeous guy, he was from Spain, he had sun-kissed skin and his body was to die for. I felt like I was going to die, I was so nervous, I knew in that moment, it was this feeling of utter fear and dread, which was my problem, and which prevented me from having any sort of intimate relationship with another man.

He began to undress me, in a sacred, tantalising way, slowly and very gently. The room was very dimly lit and I was blindfolded, for extra pleasure. I could feel myself getting very hard, but I was very nervous, slowly but surely, both of us were naked, he began to hug me, with so much love, I felt my heart pounding out of the chest, but I knew I was in safe hands. After some time he began to place me on the cushioned mat, I received a wonderful massage, I could feel my head between his legs, as he reached to places, I have never been touched before, so came the body to body massage, utterly amazing feeling, I felt so amazing, him gliding over me with his oil body, I was so unbelievably horny, that I felt at any moment I would explode there and then. I felt an instrument being inserted into my buttocks, which I found out later was a prostate massage, Utter bliss, is not even the words to describe the feeling, I could feel myself welling up until I released everything, Including all my fear. What an amazing experience, to think for all these years, I had taken chemicals to get to this level of pleasure, not realizing that God had something even better in store for me, and without harming myself.

I truly believe in the miracle of Tantric soul, of course, it did not sort my problems out at once, I had to make regular appointments and I still continue to do so. Not the cheapest therapy around, but boy does it work, and after all, I am totally worth it.

I now am inventing the possibility of opening my heart to love and meeting my soulmate for a happy relationship, with the help of this wonderful Tantric massage.

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